Self Worth and You
As we embark on developing ourself, for whatever reason; be that for changes we want to shape in for ourselves, as a result of a life challenge we have experienced or a sense of dissatisfaction; we can find the deeper part part of ourselves, the call of own soul, demanding attention. At first that call to action can be gentle, becoming louder and it is often one which will challenge the perception of ourself when we begin to address those necessary changes. This is because when we make changes within ourselves, our inner world, they are often reflected in our outer world. Our own soul, has a direct relationship with our self worth and when we have a strong sense of our self worth, it gives us a solid foundation on which we can be truly present in this world and express ourself.
The definition of self worth, simply put, is: the opinion you have about yourself and the value you place on yourself. This can be understood as a feeling that you are a good person who deserves to be treated with respect and knowing what you value in life. Self worth is both emotional and behavioural; it is how you act toward what you value, including how you treat and talk about yourself, as well as how you allow yourself to be treated.
Let us not confuse self worth with self esteem. They are not one of the same. Self esteem can be defined as what we think about ourselves and is tied to the attention we receive on a daily basis. The important distinction between the two states is: Self esteem is obtained from external sources: such as successes and achievements within career, work and possessions. These things give us a feel good factor but they are temporary. All too soon we will be setting the next goal to achieve or feeling the desire to have the next thing. Self esteem needs acknowledgement from others to feel worthy. It can be likened to hunger – we can satisfy it but ultimately the need to feed it will happen again.
On the other side of the same coin, self worth is a knowing that you are of value and are necessary to those around you. Self worth comes from fulfilling a sense of purpose and often being in servitude to others. It comes from inside: there is no-one or no one thing that can give you self worth. It is the sense of being good enough and worthy of love, friendship, relationships and being secure in your ‘place’ and value within them. It needs no acknowledgement from outside as it is always present. Having a good sense of self worth sustains us at our very core, giving us a quiet presence that is unmistakable to others.
For example a highly successful person in the chosen career with wealth, good health and family and friends around them can have a high esteem, yet they can have little self worth. Their focus, their feel good is all from outside ‘feeding’ sources. Self esteem built in this way: the “look what I have/can do”, is fragile and easily threatened by another’s ability, talents and achievements. Our self esteem can be likened to a measuring tool that we use to compare ourselves with or against our peers – ultimately leading to whether or not we think we measure up.
Conversely, our self worth has no need to project or compare. It is the knowledge and awareness of ourself in all endeavours and whether they align to our core values. It can be described as an internal state of being that comes from self understanding, self love, self acceptance and self value. When we have a strong sense of self worth means we are able to accept ourselves wholeheartedly, our good attributes, talents, abilities etc and we are equally aware of our flaws, imperfections and challenges. Self worth is our internal workings, structures and beliefs. It is the value and perception we have of ourself. It is so inward and integral that no-one or anything can diminish it because we simply ‘know’ it.
All of this then translates into knowing our value in all of our relationships, be they personal or professional and in every circumstance we find ourself in. Ultimately, it is how we allow another to treat us and our response to them or those circumstances. If we are willing to look at another person’s behaviour toward us as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themself, rather than a statement about our values, we will over a period of time cease to react to others.
It is true to say that being aware of our own worth and value only comes through experiences. Often those experiences in life can be capable of bringing us to our knees. It comes when our inner voice says, or at times screams! “no more” and we make a promise to ourselves that we will no longer accept being treated in ways that hurt us or be in relationships or situations where our moral code and core values were not appreciated.
It could be where our kindness, our natural compassion and our willingness to serve another in the same way, is devalued, unappreciated or taken advantage of. We find our self worth begins to take shape when we no longer play ourselves small, when we learn how to or find the courage to say “no” to things and people that do not align with who we are or our core values and beliefs, and when we begin to understand that putting ourselves first is not selfish, it is necessary.
Self worth comes with the realisation that life is not personal. This statement can be tough to digest, especially when circumstances may suggest that it totally feels like it!! However, we begin to understand that life in its entirety is ‘just’ an experience, a sequence of events in our time line here, we can begin to gain awareness in ourselves that, actually, it is how we chose to respond to life events and situations that hold a key to our self worth. If we choose to take a stance of “it’s so unfair”, “why is this happening to me” or even “life is so cruel” because someone died, especially when young, lost their job, or some other less than joyful event, the we offer ourselves up to be a victim of circumstance. There is no power, or empowerment to be found there.
Instead, if we can accept that the only constant in life is change and go with it, adapting, adjusting and acknowledging, as we go, life will become less personal and no longer will we feel life is something that just happens to us. If we learn to control our responses to events and people and act according to our own values, life takes on an empowering form.
Self worth is the knowing that people’s reactions to us in any given circumstance is their own feelings being projected out. When we realise their reaction speaks only of them, we will no longer be reactive to another. Self worth allows us to speak and exhibit behaviour how we want others to speak and behave toward us and if we learn to control our responses to events and people and act according to our own values, life takes on an empowering form. We often find when we are aware of our self worth we will distance ourself from those whose behaviours, values and morals do not align with our own.
It can be said that as individuals, the more uncertain we are of our self worth, the more we will be unconsciously drawn toward fitting in with and gaining approval of others, along with saying what we think others want us to say and emulating those we hold in high regard. If we have a strong sense of our worth we often are less inclined to go with the masses. Further, when we are present in our self worth, allowing for the quiet knowing to lead, our presence in it’s truest form will be present, our soul. This way of being is authentic, connective and real. When this happens we create for ourselves a strong, valuable and unshakable foundation for life through which every experience, relationship and circumstance will be reflected, aligned and expressed through. Let us all be worthy and realise our value in all things – for our soul knows it too!
With Love,
Helen