Healthy Boundaries, Healthy You
Table of Contents
Healthy Boundaries, Healthy You
The Challenge of Boundaries
The idea of setting healthy boundaries to some is a challenging concept in itself. Many of us can construe boundary setting as selfish and restrictive. Especially those of us who work under the spiritual, healer, therapist umbrella. We can carry the mantra of being in service and, often times have the most compassionate of characters. Many of us, in what ever arena, go about our daily lives putting ourselves and our needs last. We are quick to pick up the gauntlet for someone who wants our help and we all too often jump in to rescue those in need. We think it is admirable and most, in the receipt of our care, compassion and help are genuinely grateful.
However, what is compelling us to be so giving of ourselves that we allow ourselves to go without? We are often good at giving away quality time for ourselves or with our loved ones, our money and our belongings etc. Our time is our highest currency and those who we spend that time with should be those that recognise this time can never be lived or given again. But most of all, we, ourselves, should acknowledge the fact that our time can only be spent once. We should perhaps honour our time better by being discerning and limiting what quantity of our time is spent where and with whom.
Healthy Boundary Building
This is part of healthy boundary building. Setting time limits and importantly, sticking to them. Further, we would do well to understand when we live a life always accessible to others, no-one will value us. For those of us who don’t set healthy boundaries, we can find ourselves at the mercy of others: doing what they want us to do, thinking what they tell us to think, acting how they want us to act, feeling as instructed. All the while we will not be honouring what it is we think, feel and how we want to be. When we fail to set healthy boundaries, whether in work, home or personal relationships of any kind, we edge toward feeling undervalued, taken for granted or even mistreated. These feelings, over time, build resentment and anger and are a direct result of getting what we tolerate.
There can be several factors as to why we find ourselves struggling to set healthy boundaries for ourselves and most can be traced back to conditioning – how early relationships shaped our behaviours and how we view ourselves. The one thing to remember is that you can immediately take steps to put some self care in your life. Of course, should you want to! It is also good to remember that when we set boundaries for ourselves we hold others accountable for their own actions and words. For some of us this leaves us feeling guilty. Why? Because the other person violates our safe parameters, we challenge their behaviour and then they get defensive and angry and that makes us, always the giver, feel bad. If the other truly cared about us, not just about what they wanted from us, our boundaries would be accepted. Givers will do well to remember that we need to set limits because the takers rarely, if ever do!
Life Shifts
However, when we start to place some healthy boundaries in our life, in all areas, the wheat from the chaff begins to sort itself out immediately. You will find that so called ‘friends’ start to step away, family relationships can become (more) tricky, your work relationships begin to shift. It can be hard: that voice will shout that you’re being selfish and people will pull on those heart strings using their, up to this point, reliable manipulation tactics - some maybe subtle, some more overt. Nonetheless, it is important that you hold firm. After you have held firm to your boundary, and held the other person accountable successfully a couple of times, you will recognise the importance of and the benefit healthy boundaries have for your well-being and self-empowerment. Other people in your life learn quickly too!
Taking Care of Ourself
Healthy boundaries are in general, those set to ensure we can keep ourselves as emotionally and mentally stable as possible. A boundary is a limit or space between us and the other person. It is a clear space where you begin and the other person ends. The purpose of setting any boundary is to take care of ourself within any given circumstance, activity or relationship. Often times boundary setting is interpreted as “stay away”. In realness, it is a way in which we are saying “this is the way in which you and I will become closer” – they are somewhat paradoxical!
This is because when safe ground is established, trust is built. Comfort and trust is created in the relationship as there has been a clear definition of what is and what isn’t acceptable. All healthy relationships – be they romantic, platonic, familial or business should be “bounded”: meaning they are not free for alls on our time, energy and resources. For those of us working with spirit, this should also include our relationship with them. It is mentally, emotionally and energetically draining to always have yourself available to those in spirit. If you make yourself always accessible, you will always be utilised, potentially the power and presence being less impactful.
Just Say No
In being continually accessible, whether to spirit or to those in this world, you can be left depleted with the good stuff effectively stripped out of you. You may find yourself resentful and angry that this has happened ‘to you’ and there’s no-one left around to support you in getting back up again. Well, the thing is, if you have little respect for your own resources that you so freely gave it away all of the time, why should another be respectful of it? The better questions to reflect on here maybe, “Why do you feel it necessary to be always available to others?” “Why do you find it difficult to say no?”
A breakthrough can happen in realising that NO is a complete sentence. Actually, we are under no obligation to explain ourselves – although we often do! Another light bulb moment can come in realising that those that react to us having boundaries are those that benefitted from us not having any! The thing is, if anyone takes issue with us having a line and a limit, it is their issue and should be a red alert to us in how and if we continue the relationship. You see, a person who acknowledges their own value, has a moral code set in love, trust, respect and integrity. They will have the ability to own their own, whilst allowing others the space to own theirs. That same someone is able to be like this whilst practising compassion and empathy as well as being conscientious to our expression of what feels healthy in a boundary. That person will respect our right to express our needs, feelings, expectations and wishes – they will do all of this because they respect their own rights. This person has their own healthy boundaries. When all of this is in place, a positive exchange and relationship can be built on a strong foundation with clear communication.
Time and Energy
There a several examples of healthy boundaries: from mental, physical and emotional to time boundaries. Those of us who find ourselves going over our allotted time frame for a variety of reasons, often do so because of the perceived need of the person or client we are seeing. However, when we do so, we are draining our emotional, energetic and mental batteries, as well as, over spending the currency of our time. By our own actions we have broken a promise set by ourselves that this will take x amount of minutes and how much energy we can expect to invest in the time shared. By over investing ourselves frequently, we will quickly find ourselves depleting our metaphorical batteries. We can make ourselves ill. The spirit world, which we spirit workers in whatever capacity proudly represent, will keep working through us when we make ourselves available to them. It is our own choice and intent to work and so spirit never let us down. There they are, keeping up their end of the bargain by communicating in which ever way we want to deliver it, whenever we want it! It is imperative for our own well-being that we have healthy boundaries with our spirit team. Yes, all of us are part of God and we all have a spark of the Divine within but we are not omnipresent like God and nor do we have to be. We are human and to look after our human nature and it’s needs will ensure we are capable of giving a far better and more impactful representation of the spirit world.
Our Highest Currency
Our time here is sacred, each of us deserve to be valued and to know our own value. When we learn this and where our limits are, we become capable of creating healing for ourselves through words, thoughts and actions. As we adopt changes in our own attitudes, how we behave and what we think, acting compassionately as we employ those healthy boundaries, our life can change. We can have a more balanced approach to our relationships, ourselves and our lives, feeling empowered, respected, valued and safe in all interactions: always remembering that time is our highest currency and it is up to us how much of it is spent where and on whom, knowing that it can only be spent once.
With Love,
Helen
Share this blog on: